I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Randomize
