My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
that is very illegal...i love you.
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