I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
