i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Randomize
