i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
He can hate all he wants but were fucking with these crocs on
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
Randomize