and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
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