I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
A bitchslap is in order.
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