U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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