I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
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