I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
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