She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
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