I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
Randomize
