I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
