dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
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