the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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