i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Randomize
