Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize