i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
Randomize
