Shit chicky whatchu wearin rt now, ur skins?
Oh dear, kinda... in ur sweats!
U look good, r we getting naked in ur car?
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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