so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
im calling her cock vulture from now on
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Randomize
