im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
