Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Randomize
