I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
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