Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
