We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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