I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
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