There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
