Tell her she can't have a vagina
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Randomize
