I just saw Ann slam dunk her puke bag into a trash can on Avenue A. You ladies might want to consider putting the Patron shots down and going home.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
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