yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
