I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Randomize
