I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
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