Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
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