I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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