i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
she has a miserable personality but its a good think you dont have sex with that
pussy has no personality
Amen to that
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
