Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
I need a beard to bite.
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
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