I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
I just forgot I was standing up.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Randomize
