Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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