The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
It's shark week go big or go home
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
Randomize
