I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
What did we do last night that was yellow?
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
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