this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
