Only a mothe r could love this liver
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
Randomize
