Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
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