i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
You're like the curious george of whores
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Randomize
