then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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