just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Holy sore nipples Batman
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
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