i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
Randomize
