listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
We had sex on a dog bed..
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
Randomize
