i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Randomize
