you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
