I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
Randomize