You hook up with other guys, let him talk to other girls.
no
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
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