but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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