He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
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