you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
Randomize
