now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
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