I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
Randomize
