Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
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