Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
