what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
I just found a bag of teeth...
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
I just forgot I was standing up.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
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