thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
