things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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