apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
Randomize
