i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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