I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
