Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
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