dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
