So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Randomize