I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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