Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
Randomize
