And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
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