Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
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