i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
