Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
Randomize
