You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
Randomize